I hate hating myself. I just want someone to freaking fix me!

Sometimes I wonder, if people knew what I'd be willing to do for them, if it would change their minds.

It's been a crazy weekend.

Friday: wake up, do homework, go hang out with the ladies. Go to work. Go get so drunk I don't remember what happened really yet. Then go home, apparently beg more than one friend for a booty call before falling asleep in my clothes. Wake up with alarm to go to work during the FIRST SNOW STORM of the season. Go balls-deep shopping with my mom. Buy girly hats and mittens and boots. Mom and I went to Old Navy. Yeah. OLD NAVY. Wow.

Go to hockey game. Have a fucking blast!!!! So much socialization and yet I didn't really want it to end. What's happening to me???

Today: wake up, get coffee and printer ink, arrive home to find out that Grandpa came home from China yesterday and we are to go visit him. So my folks and I do. We get to sit through a slide show of the last month he spent as an ambassador for St. Cloud State University to Nankai and Binhai. Apparently at one luncheaon, the entertainment was for the chef to come out, blindfolded, and chop vegetables on the bare back of a server with a very sharp knife. No joke.

Then we got Chinese food. Yummy! Then it was off to see the movie Unstoppable. My mom loves distaster thrillers. I love stuff getting wrecked. My dad loves to laugh at bad acting. We all enjoyed ourselves.

Trip to the craft store to get yarn and an outfit for my father's finger bandage. Yes. Pictures will soon be posted, but suffice it to say there are now glow-in-the-dark googly eyes glued to my father's thumb cast.

Went to work. Had my boss listen in on ALL my calls in the last hour to help determine why the list I was calling was having such a poor conversion rate. Turns out I was doing mostly right things, but I wasn't assertive enough with getting pledge cards confirmed to mail out. So I got better. Then I hit the keyboard during a call, accidently hung up, and had to redail and apologize. Ugh. It's a bit nerve racking having your boss listen from across the room and send pop-up messages on your monitor DURING calls telling you what to do. But I learned a lot. At least I made three bucks in bonus.

Then I got let go 10 minutes early which was JUST enough time to get back in time for the 9pm airing of The Walking Dead. It was pretty awesome. But I'm feeling like there are just too many jerk-off rednecks that are going to survive the apocoplypse. I also got an email that there is one less test I have to worry about this week.

All in all, I've done a shit-ton of shit in the past three days. This is like, six months of socializing and out-of-my-room behavior for me. I'm tired and feeling a bit stressed now that I sit back. I think I'll just polietly decline any more outings until the next home men's hockey game in December.

I'm having very illogical feelings, and I don't do illogical. The feelings I'm having make no sense, and I don't know why I'm having them....but I am. Emotions are so useless, and dangerous. I've had feelings kinda on the same vien as these, but this is RIDICULOUS.

I just want to go back to the bitter, want to be single, want to be alone girl I used to be. Wanting someone is so inconvienent.

Happy Halloween

I should have known when I woke up feeling sick that today was going to be like every other Halloween in recent memory. I haven't had a fun Halloween since I was a kid, which is fucked up since I keep claiming it's my favorite holiday. Its the time of year where all the wierd cool shit is socially acceptable, where people like to hear crazy stories and tales out of my mouth. I become a commodity of sorts. At work, people actually come to me and ask me about things, hauntings or other stories. People actually know who the fuck I am and that I exist.

So yeah, this sounds like a pity party. It's my blog. Don't like it get the fuck out. Not like anyone reads this shit anyway. I just like to see what I'm going through in words. It makes it real. Like someday someone will see this and know I'm not just crazy, that I have a very real and legitimate reason to feel the way I do. Tell me you wouldn't feel differently.

When I was a kid I loved to get dressed up and go trickortreating. It was fun and spooky. Haunted Houses were great because I could just let myself have fun and react and it was okay. It was okay to do that kind of stuff with your family as a kid.

Then in high school, I kinda ignored Halloween, because I was at the age where it wasn't cool anymore. I would go to the local haunted house if I had friends who were working as ghouls that year, but it was more to support them than anything.

In college, I would occasionally go out with friends on Halloween to the Haunted House. My best friend was always around. Until she started dating her now-husband. Then everyone else started to slowly not matter to her anymore. But she did always make time for me, and I for her. When I moved to Montana, I had a roommate who would hang out. Okay, so she was a high school student, but at least she wanted to watch scary movies and entertain trickortreaters and actually wanted to do that stuff with me. Great.

I moved back home and any friends I had here were long gone, off living thier lives. They were married or left for grad school or for work. I was stuck living at home, desperate for a job, and literally trying not to give up and slit my wrists. Here I was with all these qualifications and skills that people had been impressed by and I couldn't get a job as a cashier at a grocery store. I couldn't make new friends. You tell me that sends the message of being worthy. I think not.

So nearly two years go by and my family threatens to kick me out, so I take the GRE and literally pick a grad program out of what I was somewhat qualified for, all the while expecting to not get accepted because fuck, I couldn't get a job, how the hell was I going to get one of ten spots in a grad program? Yet I did. I didn't get any assisstantships, which just means more debt and more ways to get fucked over later on, which is going to happen.

So I think I'll get back into the world, right? The first day of class everyone is really nice and warm and sweet and wanting to have study groups and actually asking me about myself. I'm included in group emails, and people made the effort to invite to me non-school related events. Most of which I attended. I get a job, a shit one but still. I work hard, my bosses love me because I make and exceed numbers. Most of my calls love me because I'm polite and warm without being too pushy.

But at the end of the day, I'm just numbers to my bosses. They don't even remember my first name. And after a while, the ladies in my classes just started to exclude me. I'd find out via facebook or them talking during breaks in class about all the things they did or are planning. That's fine, I'm used to being excluded. Very common for me. But when they asked me about Halloween, and then they asked me if I wanted to go, and I said yes and I helped make the plans...then I got my hopes up. Only to find that they went earlier in the day.

Let's go back...the last few years I've had plans with others. I got all dressed up in costume, only to find out that the other people either 'didn't want to go'. No, that's the excuse I got. Nevermind I found out on Facebook they went anyway, without me. At least Frankie just stayed home that year. Because being a housewife is her deal. Ew.

Tonight I had plans, I got my costume on and I stupidly let myself get excited, even though all week I was anxious. I finally got over the hump and got hyped up. Then...I got ditched. As always. I find out they all went an hour earlier and forgot to tell me. So when I text to give someone a ride they were just leaving.

I'm in the car, in a parking lot, texting and bawling like a fucking loser when my father, who was doped up on meds, demands to go to the haunted house with me. So I take him, even though he was in pain the whole time. Because he felt guilty that I got ditched. We had a huge fight on the way home, because I thanked him for going with me, but that he didn't have to go...and he started giving me bullshit about tradition.

It's only tradition because everyone fucks me over.

Seriously, what is so fucking wrong with me that nobody wants to spend time with me? Am I that horrible? I mean, I know I'm not a looker anymore, but some of the most hideous looking people in the world have husbands/wives/kids. Not to mention the guy at work I've been building up a repoire with. I finally get the courage to casually ask him out for drinks...only to find out he started dating someone else with work with just two days before.

I've done the slut thing before, back when I had the body to pull it off (the reason I don't have that body anymore is a very long and somewhat related story...but I'm not going to get into that online). I've done the confident thing and the desperate thing and I just can't seem to make it work. Not for friends, not for romantic relationships. I've put myself in some dangerous positions before, like hooking up with the wrong kind of guy at a party, or letting a boyfriend hit me because it made him feel better..and yes I know that was bullshit but I stayed with him for a few months anyway. Yeah, I've done stupid shit, and I've done the right shit, and none of it works.

I just hate feeling so hopeless, worthless and useless at the same time. Ick. Yet I don't want to commit suicide, even though I can understand why someone would think that I would. And I've tried before. I've done the whole hospital thing, the recovery, the rehab. But I feel like attempting suicide or actually doing it would feel cheap and cheesy, and I still have just enough self worth left to think that I could do better. I haven't completely given up yet. I'm just trying to vent, to figure out how to be better, and maybe enjoy my favorite holiday someday.

I dreamt I had a baby.

It was the most insane senario ever. A friend of mine and I decided to just be friends, but have a kid cuz we both wanted one. So I was raising this kid with a friend of mine and it was like some stupid romantic comedy. But instead of being some sort of happy family, he got shot in the head at the playground in front of our daughter. The funeral was weird, because the casket was floating and everyone attended via webcam. I lied to my daughter and said that her daddy just turned invisible, but he was still alive. She had a hoverboard. It was weird, she was only like a year old but a teenager...? She ran away and I woke up.

I have no clue what any of this means. I know it stems from a conversation I had shortly before I fell asleep, but I have very little desire to enter in an agreement like in my dream. I'm just going to blame me being sick.

I'm going to stop talking about strange things with people. Then I won't have wierd dreams. Right?

BOO!

I love October.

Leaves turning, sweater weather, and Halloween. The actual holiday has been ruined by TAPS and the rest of the TTB's and believers, but I still love to watch a horror movies, and I try to watch one a day (yet I've only seen six so far, usually while I'm studying). I love listening to The Misfits Static Age album, or Rob Zombie, or any dark moster-rock. I wear mismatched Halloween socks (year round...). Lots of dark eye makeup. I eat candy all month long. I try to go to at least one cheesy haunted house, because it's fun.

This year: the goal is to go to a pumpkin patch, on a date. Hmph. Well, does anybody keep a New Year's resolution?

This weekend I'll try to catch at least two Vincent Price flicks while eating dark Reece's peanut butter cups and smelling the melting wax of my pumpkin scented candles. I'll rake up piles of leaves and watch my dog run through them and laugh, and post pictures online. I may have a fire and drink Jack's pumpkin-spiced beer. Most likely doing these things alone, for the few friends I have that are around don't appreciate the fall the way I do.

Anyway, what are your favorite Halloween activities? Good scary movies?